This Valentine’s Day Try a Yes, No, Maybe Chart!
Valentine’s Day, huh? Well, I’m not a huge fan of the holiday. My socialist leanings tell me it’s a manufactured holiday meant to increase wanton consumerism after the feeding frenzy of Christmas has died down.
However, I do think it can be a good time to check in with those you love to remind them of ways that you love them. As we all know, one fantastic way that people in romantic relationships can show love is through sex!
In my experience (with evidence to support it), nothing makes for better sex than open, honest communication. I’ve talked about it as I detailed my views on sex, and I’ve stressed the importance of consent.
However, one thing I’ve learned is that it is not always easy to start such an open, accountable, honest conversation. Then, thanks to The Consensual Project, I discovered Yes, No, Maybe Charts! Essentially, a Yes, No, Maybe Chart is a list of sex acts and topics related to sex with a space for you to express your comfort level with a simple Yes, No, or Maybe. Yes, No, Maybe charts are a great way for you to check in with yourself about your wants, needs, desires, and comfort levels in various sex acts and things related to sex, and when done with a partner, they are a great way to start a conversation about what your sexual relationship can, does, and should look like!
“Shit White Girls Say to Black Girls” – Racism or Critical Cultural Commentary?
There is a meme sensation sweeping the internet!! It all started with “Shit Girls Say.” The concept is that someone (often those who are not a member of the group who is being mocked) mocks the things that a group of people stereotypically say. Simple enough . . . and sometimes HILARIOUS.
We’ve got Shit Yogis Say, Shit Girls Say to Gay Guys, Shit Rednecks Say (“Well butter my butt and call me a biscuit!”), Shit White Feminists Say, and Shit Guys Don’t Say (or guys not named Jamie Utt). The meme has had the power to do some great mocking and cultural commentary and to point out some important realities. For instance, Shit Everybody Says to Rape Victims and Part II (WARNING, CAN BE TRIGGERING TO SURVIVORS OF SEXUAL VIOLENCE) does a fantastic job of highlighting the ways that survivors of sexual violence are often blamed, shamed, and ignored when they seek help after their trauma.
One of the most popular of these videos is Shit White Girls Say . . . To Black Girls:
This particular take on the meme caused the internet (and particularly the Twitterverse) to EXPLODE. Charges of racism were thrown at the video’s creator, comedian and blogger Franchesca Ramsey. In response, people tried to explain how this is not racism but in fact is trying to highlight the type of racism that Black Women must deal with every day coming from White Women.
CFW’s 2011 Year in Review
After spending a little time this morning going through my blog and looking back over some of what I had written this year, I thought it would be fun to do a little recap of my top posts from the year.
Thus, without further ado, here are
The Top Posts of 2011 from Change From Within
10. The tenth most visited post that I authored in 2011 was one I wrote after visiting the Sand Creek Massacre Memorial in southeastern Colorado – Cultural Amnesia: The Sand Creek Massacre. Though it is perhaps easiest to forget that we live on the lands of a genocide, we must never forget what has happened in our own back yards.
9. The 9th most popular publication that I wrote in 2011 was in response to the oh-so-common idea espoused among White folks that because of the election of Barack Obama, we now live in a post-racial society. I posit, though, that Post Racial = More Covert in Our Racism.
8. The 8th post popular post on my site was also the most popular post among our White Supremacist buddy over at Unamusement Park who decided to hijack the comments section for his White Supremacist ramblings. The blog, though, was a reposting of a profound piece by Ewuare Xola Osayande in a critique of Tim Wise (and other White Anti-Racist activists such as myself). On White Anti-Racist Activists by Equare Xola Osayande
7. Coming in at number 7 is one of my posts that was republished at the Good Men Project. My Take On Sex was a response to a young man who was interested to hear my perspective on sex and relationships, as he couldn’t find many perspectives outside of the Christian one he heard in his church community. The comments section also turned into a rousing debate on abortion, a debate that is still continuing. I would love to see some comments from more of my readers!
6. Rounding out the latter half of the Top 10 is a piece that ruffled some feathers locally and got some national traction in the #Occupy movement. Occupy Denver has a Race Problem criticized the local iteration of the #Occupy movement in its lack of responsiveness to the needs of communities of color. It posited that if Occupy Denver doesn’t work to be more inclusive, it will quickly become irrelevant, something I fear is happening.
5. The 5th most popular post on Change From Within in 2011 is one that still saddens me incredibly. It was my last-minute plea to join in the multitude of voices trying to stop the execution of Troy Davis. Injustice Anywhere: Stop the Murder of Troy Davis called on my readers to join in the activism that ultimately failed to save the life of a man who was convicted of a murder he very likely didn’t commit.
4. The 4th most popular post was another repost blog from White Anti-Racist activist Tim Wise that I posted right before attending the White Privilege Conference in Minneapolis, MN. Tim Wise and White Privilege reposted one of Wise’s pieces where he critiques the racism often present on the American Left.
3. It’s notable that the 3rd most visited post I authored in 2011 was only written on the 1st of December, and it holds the record for the most single-day hits on Change From Within. Profitable Objectification: The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show problematizes the perspective from which the “fashion show” is presented and how this can not only affect women’s body image but can drastically impact the way that men see women.
2. The second most visited blog that was published on Change From Within in 2011 addressed the issue of immigration and the English-Only movement in the U.S.. “Speak American” – Multilingualism and the English-Only Movement looked at the ways that English-Only as a mindset and policy is not only unconstitutional but actually works to the detriment of the United States and its citizens.
1. Finally, the single most popular blog post of 2011 was authored January 26, 2011. It’s Not Just Rap – Misogyny in Music looks at the way that violent misogyny is not a problem solely in rap music, as often asserted, but is actually simply a problem in MUSIC. From Kanye West to Avenged Sevenfold, from NoFX to Trace Adkins, misogyny is rampant in our music culture, and it’s time for us to do something about that!
Thank you to all my readers for helping to make 2011 such an incredibly successful year at Change From Within. I look forward to what 2012 will bring, but in the mean time, HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Did your favorite post not make the list? Feel free to post in the comments!
Profitable Objectification: The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show
On Tuesday, 10.3 million people were united in a common cause, wrapped in attention around one very important event. Were 10.3 million in the streets in an #Occupy or Tea Party show of people power? Were they watching Obama give a speech about the progress of a 10-year debacle in Afghanistan? Were they participating in a national debate about the financial crisis and its effect on the average family?
No. They were watching this:
Please note the irony of the music choice beginning at 0:38 of the video.
I hadn’t actually realized that this event was taking place until I logged into Twitter and saw the following tweet posted by my young cousin:
Though the young women who tweeted this are clearly being sarcastic, what caught my eye is that they are very much paying attention. And how can anyone (but particularly young women) pay attention to this and not be affected by it!?
In the words of Victoria’s Secret Casting Director John Pfeiffer, “There is a very clear Victoria’s Secret woman. They all have the self-confidence, expressiveness, joy, and womanliness.” Wait . . . what? Womanliness? What women does he know!? Well, it’s clear what women he knows.
But that show is in now way reflective of the “womanliness” I know and value. The women in my life don’t look like the women in this parade. The women in this parade are, by in large, unhealthy, and they project onto women everywhere a tiny box of beauty into which the show says, “You must fit.”
My Take On Sex
I was recently approached by a student who saw me speak this summer. He was responding to my posting of some amazing comics on sex and consent that I had posted on Facebook, and he asked me if I’d be willing to share my take on sex. He expressed that he comes from a community that seems to only tell the story that sex should be saved for marriage, and he wanted to know another perspective. After writing out my response, I realized that many of my readers (particularly my younger readers) might like to hear my take on sex.
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I was raised in a Catholic household and Catholic community where it was preached that sex (in any form) should not exist outside of Marriage and that anything relating to sex outside of Marriage should be treated with shame.
I take a very different tact. Sex is one of the most beautiful, complex, and vital aspects of human existence (and I suspect that those that preach abstinence until marriage only would agree with me). As such, we should experience as much of it as possible so long as we are responsible.
In my opinion and experience, sex is best experienced within a committed relationship where two people have agreed to be exclusive with one another and to explore their sexualities together. This doesn’t have to be within marriage. However, in my opinion, relationships should not exist solely to provide a means for sex. Relationships should be a beautiful tapestry, of which sex is one piece. And within that relationship, sex should only exist with an incredible amount of communication. The communication should be about when people are ready for different stages of sex, what people like and dislike in sex, and at the core of all this communication should be Consent. Our society talks about and does consent VERY poorly (which is why we have such a high rate of sexual violence). That is what the cartoon I posted was getting at. I very much respect my friend who runs The Consensual Project, which I encourage you to check out. I have learned the most about myself and about sex when I have committed myself to a partner and where we have communicated extensively as we explored each other and our sexuality together.
Sex, though, doesn’t always (and perhaps shouldn’t always) exist in a relationship. Masturbation, for instance, is one aspect of sex that people should experience and not be ashamed of. It is natural, and it helps you to understand your body and your likes and dislikes. That being said, porn and masturbation are often linked, and in my opinion, porn tends to be a very destructive thing. Unfortunately, porn is usually created by men for men, and as such, tends to be really sexist and gives men unhealthy understandings of sex and relationships. I really like the approach of MakeLoveNotPorn. They help people to understand that porn is not sex that we should replicate in our relationships (at least not necessarily). That being said, don’t be ashamed if you have used or do use porn. There is even Feminist Porn out there, though it can be tough to find. It is natural to want to explore porn. Just remember that it is not often a healthy depiction of sex or relationships.
Also, sex can and often does exist outside of committed relationships. I would be lying if I said that I have only explored sexuality in a committed relationship. Sex outside of committed relationships can be a great way to connect with another person on a unique level, it can be fun, and it can be another great way to come to know oneself and one’s like and dislikes. There are risks in sex outside of committed relationships (like there are risks to sex inside of committed relationships). That is why sex, both in and outside of committed relationships, should be approached with a mind to safety. It should be safe with regards to the use of birth control and Sexually Transmitted Infection (STI) prevention, but it should also be safe with regards to consent. I cannot stress enough how much consent needs to be a part of sex, particularly as people are first getting to know each other and don’t know what the other person is as comfortable with or what they like or dislike.
Growing up Catholic, I also had drilled into me that sex should only occur between a man and a woman. However, I understand sexual attraction much the same way that researcher Alfred Kinsey understands sexual attraction: It is a scale. Some people (though few) are only attracted to one gender. Most people, though, are attracted to many genders. This is okay! This is natural (there are over 500 species in which homosexuality is found)! If part of your sexual exploration means exploration with people of different genders, that is great and nothing to be ashamed of (so long, again, as it is safe).
Lastly, I think that people should wait to experience sex for as long as possible and as they feel comfortable. That’s why if people wait for marriage, that is totally great, and there’s not necessarily anything wrong with that. Sex, for better or for worse, comes with a lot of adult responsibilities (potential for babies and STIs and the connection between sex and one’s very complicated human emotions), and as such, people should try to experience sex once they know they are ready for those responsibilities. Also, the first time someone has sex, it is best (again) when experienced in a committed, loving relationship.
For more resources, I encourage you to check out The Good Men Project! They post all sorts of articles relating to being a man and to sex, and they have some great stuff on the topic!
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I’m not the be all end all, though, so I encourage my readers to add to, disagree with, or offer their own perspectives on sex in the comments below so that the young man who approached me can benefit from our common wisdom!!
